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The Vampire and His Servant I by *YukiValentine:iconYukiValentine:



                                        The Vampire and his Servant
                          ________________________________________




As I fall on the withered ground,
I stare up at the darkening sky,
Tears pouring from my pleading eyes.
I want to be free from this hell…

Light footsteps sound, stepping toward me.
I turn my head, slowly, the fear sending chills down my spine…
Making my heart cold.

He walks towards me, his graceful legs carrying him closer.
His long black hair whips against his pale face
As a sudden wind makes contact with his slender body

As he reaches me, he kneels down in front of my crumbled body.
I flinch visibly and turn my head away,
trying not to meet his piercing, tormenting gaze…
He reaches a slender hand towards my face and brushes the hair from my eyes.

He asks me what I am doing out this late at night.
I keep my eyes averted and am silent.
A smile plays on his perfect, beautiful lips and he leans toward me.
I close my eyes and shudder as I feel his lips brush against my neck, gently…

I can feel his cold breath on my shaking skin.
I swallow as the ground parts from my body,
As he lifts me into his arms.
I try to pull away, But he grips me tightly…

His voice, that sounds of an angel’s,
Speaks to me, softly…
“Why do you run from me?…” I hear him ask, my head against his cold chest.
There is a chilling wind that blows past us, whipping his hair around me.
I shiver and he holds me tighter.

He puts me gently on the ground and wipes the remaining tears from my face.
He smiles his angel’s smile and puts his hand across my face.
I am frozen in a mix of emotions.
Wanting to run…
Wanting to hide from this creature that holds me so gently in his arms…

Yet…
I don’t…
I want to stay with him…
I want him to keep holding me in his cold arms…

I am a slave to this vampire…
I am a slave to this man that most humans call a monster.

Yes…

I am a slave to this vampire…
©2008-2009 *YukiValentine
:iconyukivalentine:

Author's Comments

THERE ARE MANY PARTS TO THIS POEM SERIES, SO BE SURE TO READ THEM ALL!!! >_<

THIS IS AN UPDATED VERSION OF THE SAME POEM THAT I SUBMITTED A FEW DAYS AGO. ^_^ THERE WERE SOME MISTAKES IN IT, SO I FIXED THEM AND RESUBMITTED IT.


This is a poem I wrote about a vampire and his... um... servant... thing... ^^;;
...Yes, they are both guys...

Tell me what you think about the poem. I would like to hear feedback from you all. ^_^

I'm kind of into Gothic Poetry right now, so I tried to make a little Gothic poem, but I think I failed... ^^;;

Oh well... I like the visuals that it gives me. ^_^


2nd Part- [link]
3rd Part- [link]
4th Part- [link]
5th Part- [link]
6th Part- [link]
7th Part- [link]
8th Part- [link]
9th Part- [link]

Comments


love 3 3 joy 4 4 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconmaks-design:
Wow, and you said you which you could write good poetry ?

Well, guess you just did it!!

really good poem. love it.
:iconyukivalentine:
Thank you so much! ^_^ I was starting to get a little worried, since nobody was giving me any feedback on it, and I had already resubmitted it, so I'm very glad that you like it. XD

--
We Love You, Michael Jackson... You Are Not Alone... RIP...

I am a photographer. Come and check out some of my pictures [link]). :)
:iconisika:
WoW, omg! I love it! This is really good, I could picture everything! Very sexy. I loved it when he held him in his arms, so sweet. Great job!

--
"Did you dream?"
No

"Tell me a dream?"
I rarely dream

"You're broke."

Quote from an awesome comic by Fehed Said & Shari Chankhamma called 'The Clarence Principle'! Vist their website link
:iconyukivalentine:
Thank you very much. ^_^ I'm glad you like it. I wasn't sure cause people weren't commenting on it, but I liked it. I could imagine this pathetic beautiful man on the ground, tears pouring from his eyes as the vampire half tormented, half comforted him. ^_^

--
We Love You, Michael Jackson... You Are Not Alone... RIP...

I am a photographer. Come and check out some of my pictures [link]). :)
:iconisika:
You would write a short story for it.

Did the vampire turn him in the end or just leave him? I was not sure.

--
"Did you dream?"
No

"Tell me a dream?"
I rarely dream

"You're broke."

Quote from an awesome comic by Fehed Said & Shari Chankhamma called 'The Clarence Principle'! Vist their website link
:iconyukivalentine:
Well... I'm not sure yet... The guy is the vampire's servant and the vampire kinda torments him a lot. The guy isn't sure whether he loves him or not. ^_^

--
We Love You, Michael Jackson... You Are Not Alone... RIP...

I am a photographer. Come and check out some of my pictures [link]). :)
:iconthe-red-writer:
Hey there YukiValentine, here's my commentary on part one:

This is, I think, very good work. You were obviously out to tell a story, and you accomplished your goal easily. You used a lot of great detail throughout this piece, breathing vivid color and life into your setting and characters. You also kept solid point of view from the, "Servent" character, traditional in vampire literature, but well done here none-the-less. Finally, as you've stated this is going to be part of a series, you did a great job of leaving the reader on a sort of cliffhanger, a great lead into part two.

The only advice I would give is that if you were trying to come across that the Servant is also male, there isn't any indication in this piece that both characters are male.

All in all, great work, thanks for pointing me to it! Keep your eyes open for some critique on the rest of the series!
:iconyukivalentine:
Thank you so much for the in-depth critique! I love to hear people's opinions on my work. ^_^
I'm very glad you liked them so much, and I will think about what you said as I continue to write them. ^_^
Thank you very much! XD :hug:

--
We Love You, Michael Jackson... You Are Not Alone... RIP...

I am a photographer. Come and check out some of my pictures [link]). :)
:iconthe-red-writer:
You are very welcome! More to come soon, I promise! :-)

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November 23, 2008
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